Emotional Happiness -- what is love [other than a bad '80's song]

OK, so I have my litmus test of happiness -- not saying it's finalized, but so far I'm still happy with my law of existence. The issue at hand is now defining what constitutes 'real' happiness -- most could argue that drugs, alcohol and the like provide happiness. I would argue that pharmaceuticals provide only a transient state similar to happiness -- think of it as taking the 'ignorance is bliss' route. Remove most of my brain, and I'm sure I'd be 'happy' -- too bad I wouldn't really know and understand it. I would like to be a little higher up the evolution chain than my dog - thanks. So medication for the sake of happiness is questionable at best [and I'm not talking about prescriptions for chemical imbalances that actually impede the ability to be happy -- separate issue]. I've just found, and believe me it is through a lifetime of experiment and use, that drugs and alcohol do not provide any real means of being happy, only ignorant.

I argued before that one path to happiness is via intelligence -- that simple appreciation derived from knowledge and experience, the ability to solve a problem, etc. Not exactly a thrill a minute, but behind it is a happiness that can certainly be longer lasting than a couple of beers. I think one of the major areas is what I'm daring to step into today -- emotional happiness. I started with intelligent pursuits, because for the most part, they are actually simpler and well defined; I'm happier when I grow as a person intellectually, and that has a measurable quality to it [completed a task, proposed a solution, you get the idea]. Emotions are so much more difficult to define, and thus infinitely more complex. Yet, some of the greatest happiness a person can achieve are through the positive emotions brought about by personal interaction with others. Love, friendship, camaraderie -- unless you are a hermit [and in which case wouldn't be reading this, so never mind], you have felt varying intensities of these emotions, and I would guarantee that all bring some level of happiness to you. Studies have shown that falling in love creates actual physical and biochemical changes in the human body -- there's something there more than just Hallmark cards. Positive human interactions -- even tiny ones [letting the driver merge in front of you instead of playing chicken at the merge lane] -- have a multiplicative effect on the happiness of all involved. Try the experiment one time -- I know have many times and am continually surprised at its continued success. Spend a day [afternoon, whatever], going out of your way to be kind to people. Hold the door, help someone carry something, give directions, whatever, and watch what happens. You will encounter people who are skeptical, who ignore you, or take advantage of you -- don't let this discourage you. You will notice something magical happen as you continue through the day -- people around you will begin to exhibit similar behavior. The person you held the door for will pick up the bag someone dropped, a total stranger will hold the door for someone behind them, and so on. I'm not saying everyone will follow suit, but unequivocally you will actually create a positive change in people. Positive emotions are contagious and lead to a net increase in the happiness of people around you -- note that the converse is equally as true. Spend 15 minutes around a negative person, and no matter how well you felt at the start, you will find yourself beginning to have negative thoughts -- there will be a palpable tension in the air.

This only scratches the surface -- most would argue that it is common sense that if we all acted a little nicer to each other the world would be a better place. Well, why don't we? I think we get introduced to that other emotion -- the anti-emotion also known as fear. Thoreau was right -- most of us live our lives in quiet desperation. The cause is not desperation, though -- it is fear. In the experiment above, most don't behave as above because they fear a lack of reciprocation, or worse yet, abuse by the other party of their goodwill. Fear is a powerful emotion, and arguably the biggest barrier to a person living my my rule of existence. Unlike dealing with intelligent issues, failure on an emotional basis hits us far deeper with a far more lasting effect. Sadly, I believe this is more perception than anything else -- we allow ourselves to let our fear to get the best of us. Let's take an example everyone has experienced -- to fall in love and have our heart broken. It's happened to me, to others -- to anyone who has taken the chance to bare their soul to another. The cliche is that it is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all -- crazy as it is, I would agree with this wholeheartedly. Life is a sum of our experiences -- a life well-lived, by my law of existence, would be one where you have maximized the positive and happy experiences in your life. I would rather fall in love a hundred times and have my heart broken each time than to have never loved at all -- the rush of bonding with a person [or pet, or whatever] at any level so outweighs the pain when it is gone. Obviously, the best case scenario would be what the romantic in all of us seeks -- love without the downside; without the heartbreak. Is this feasible?

There is considerable question as to why human beings fall in love and what the drivers are behind it. There is a physical component -- once the hormones kick in after puberty until they are all dried up, we are sexual and sensual animals. Fact of life, get over it. Sometimes it's for the same sex, somethings for the opposite -- again, if it makes you happy without infringing on someone elses happiness [or better yet, makes both parties happy], then it is worth doing. I am constantly amazed how we as a species have attached the act of sex with love -- I wonder how much of this is biological and how much of this is societal. Obviously, as a species we have a biological dilemma -- the female of the species can only conceive once a month, our progeny are all but defenseless for several years; obviously, in order to propagate the species there needs to be some bond which maintains the male/female relationship until the children can fend for themselves. That's sex -- conception for the purpose of continuing your bloodline and our species. Somehow, love got mixed up with this, and I can only wonder where and why -- time for more research. The emotions derived from love are far more powerful than those of sex -- love implies a happiness from finding a person that shares your interests, your secrets, your dreams, etc. An orgasm, though physiologically wonderful, is a fleeting pleasure -- it certainly accents a loving relationship, but is not the primary driver of happiness. If it is, the relationship is ultimately doomed. Face it, anyone can have an orgasm by themselves -- however, it is certainly much more fun with someone else and still better when it's someone you have feelings for.

The other issue with love is that it also has a fleeting nature to it -- as discussed before, tests have shown that the brain undergoes biochemical changes when falling in love; however, how much of that is the thrill of falling in love with someone new, and how much is actually a love that can last -- one based on mutual feelings and not just 'wow, we're both attracted to each other'. I think this is why divorce rates are so high -- in fact, if not for the societal pressures to maintain a 'nuclear family', I believe those rates would be even higher. It really begs the question of what to do when one falls out of love, and if monogamy is really feasible or just a societal construct. Again, let's begin with the biological reason for love -- evaluation of a mate physically, emotionally and intellectually which will guarantee the best chance of successfull children. Men produce billions of sperm in a lifetime and can conceive at any point in time from puberty until old age. Women produce a limited number of eggs over a given time -- ergo a culture driven by women making the relationship choices to produce the best offspring [as much as it may appear to the contrary]. Love would appear to be the culmination of emotions driven by physical attraction as well as other stimuli with the purpose of continuing the species. This would imply that the happiness brought by love is fleeting -- it would peak early in the relationship, it would carry through to the creation of children, and once the children can fend for themselves, the need for the relationship [and happiness derived by it] is done. I know, not very romantic, but I believe this happens more often than not. Excluding those rare circumstances where one finds a soul mate that represents their true complement [leading to a lifetime of happiness for those rare and lucky bastards!], most people fall in and out of love. Should the experience lead to the creation of children, the emotions transfer to the young until such time as they can survive on their own. Let's go back to my original raison d'etre -- maximize your own happiness and others without infringing on anyone's. Well, we're in a difficult situation, aren't we? If I fall in love with someone, and we are both happy for months, maybe even years -- then we have children, and a new level of happiness and love grows as we raise those kids, that is positive for all involved. However, what happens if the love that was at the beginning of the relationship is no longer there? Worse yet, what if the reason for staying in the relationship is for the kids only -- thus decreasing my happiness to maintain others? Society has drummed into us the sanctity of marriage to overcome this issue -- basically, you made your choice, stick with it. I firmly believe that is the ONLY reason for marriage -- the happiest couples are the ones that don't need to get married [or do so for legal or other purposes only]. If you were truly happy in the relationship, you wouldn't need a piece of paper to validate it. If you are willing to forgo some of your happiness in a relationship with your mate because of your love for your offspring, you make a decision based on net overall happiness. When that love is gone, it is time to discuss options going forward -- if you are no longer happy with your mate [or vice versa], it is time to move on. I'm sure you would throw in my face 'but wait, you're adversely affecting the happiness of the other party'. I believe that overall, when one person is no longer in love, the reality is that both parties are seeing decreasing happiness -- that as difficult as the decision in, there is a time to move on and the opportunity for both parties to renew with someone new.

So love, the thorniest of all emotions, is one that I envision as being very different than what society hands us now. I firmly believe a more open society is a happier society -- how much domestic violence, rape, broken families and the like is driven by a need to maintain societal norms? If two people meet and fall in love, enjoy it while it lasts -- however, should one party no longer feel the same way [perhaps discovered by living together], or should outside stimulus be necessary [she wants kids, he doesn't], these things need to be addressed in an open and honest way. Failing to do so creates a deeper range of very negative emotions -- from jealousy to anger to infidelity [the last being defined by society, not me]. Marriage is an antiquated and useless convention brought to us by religion, usually resulting in subjugation in one or both of the parties. I believe we need to start opening our minds to how human relationships can be -- this can be done without harm occuring to our society or our offspring. I'll go into other emotional happiness further -- I've only picked love because I feel it is the strongest and deadliest of emotions. I fear that gaining true happiness from love flies counter in the face of current society -- we have placed such emphasis on puritan ideals and ancient ideas that it is difficult for most people to see a different path. I would envision love as a lifelong search for my ideal partner [yes, I'm a romantic], with relationships being created on the way, which when complete are parted amicably as both parties move on to their continued search for that lifelong partner. You may never find that partner [OK, I'm a tragic romantic], but the search, the journey and the connections made are worth the effort.

Next time I'll try to delve more into personal connections -- if you see me spending a lot of time on emotional happiness, it is because I firmly believe it is our best source of happiness as well as our greatest source of pain. I'd like to figure out how to increase the first and decrease the second....